In her words, I’d imagine

I never had the honor of having a conversation with my daughter. I was never given the gift of making her pancakes for breakfast and sitting down to listen to her dreams, questions, thoughts and desires. She was never able to tell me her favorite color or what she wanted to be when she grew up. I have accepted the fact that this is the way God intended for her life to go and I will say until I too go home that He is a good, loving Father but being here with empty arms still hurts more than I can say.

I like to imagine what she would have been like. Would she have loved reading books on sunny summer days or would I find her climbing trees instead? Would she have been a dog person or a cat person or neither? Would I have gotten butterfly kisses from her as my Mom used to get from me? Would she have been annoyed when her beautiful, brown, curly hair that she got from her Dad hung in her face while she was just trying to read Calvin and Hobbes? Would she have loved trips to Barnes and Noble as her Dad and Momma always did? Some things we will never know on this earth, but I like to imagine.

If our baby girl could have talked through her short time on earth, our temporary home, this is what I imagine she might have said:

Week 4: “I’m here, Momma! You found out about me last night. You were absolutely shocked but more excited maybe than you’ve ever been! You had so much fun talking about me with Dad and trying to guess when you’d meet me. You’re already talking about my future and how you two get to prepare for me. I can tell that even though I’m tiny, I’m so wanted and loved already. I think we’re going to make the best little family.”

Week 6: “Momma has told lots of people that I’m here but she’s trying to not tell everyone yet. She told Dad she’s just so excited she can’t keep me a secret for much longer! They told someone named Vanessa about me and she is so excited to be having a ‘niece’. She told me that she’s going to be my ‘tía’. I don’t know what all that means but I like her already and I’m glad she’s a part of our family. Momma talks to me and tells me how much she loves me. I guess it’s a lot. Hearing her voice is nice. Momma… I love her a lot, too.”

Week 9: “I guess today was Father’s Day and Dad is so excited to be my Dad that he told something called ‘the church’ about me. I heard a lot of clapping and cheering, so I guess ‘the church’ is almost as excited about me as Dad and Momma.”

Week 10: “Dad and Momma got to SEE me and hear my heartbeat this week! They were so happy. My heartbeat is really fast and strong. I’m doing a great job, they said! This doctor person told them at this point there is a low chance of ‘losing’ me… I don’t really know what that means though. I don’t think I’m going anywhere anytime soon; I think I’ll just stay in here because it’s cozy and I can be with Momma wherever she goes. But I have a feeling there is Someone Else out there, besides the doctor person and ‘the church’ people. I don’t know what to call Him yet but I can tell He’s amazing and loves me even MORE than Momma and Dad, which almost seems impossible but it’s not! I think that if I stop being here with my Dad and Momma I’ll be somewhere else and I’ll be with Him. I know if I can’t be with Momma anymore and if I go to be with Him, He’ll take care of me for the rest of, well, forever. So I’ll always be loved and taken care of. That makes me happy. I hope that makes Momma happy too.”

Week 15: “Momma loves looking at clothes for me. She hasn’t bought any yet but she loves looking and imagining what I’ll be like. I’m excited to show her one day! Dad and Momma pray for me a lot and when they pray I mean they talk to Him about me. I think He’s called God and I know He’s great, I can just tell. They ask Him to let me be healthy but that His ‘will’ be done whatever happens. I don’t know what a ‘will’ is yet but I hope that happens too.”

Week 20: “Momma cried a lot today. They went to the doctor person again to see if I’m a boy or a girl but they got bad news. I guess I’m not as big as I should be and there might be something wrong with my brain. I’m trying to be big like I should be but I guess it’s not working. Momma knows I’m trying; she also loves me very much and she knows I love her very much. She’s scared, though, I can feel it. I wish she wouldn’t be so scared. I’m not scared because I know if I’m not here inside Momma I’ll be there with God and I’m excited that’s how it is.”

Week 22: “It’s been a very sad while for Momma and Dad. They got more news from the doctor people and I guess I’m not like other babies. Actually, I’m a lot different from other babies. I wish I could tell her that I don’t hurt though. In fact, I love being in here. When I’m in here I’m warm, I get to listen to Momma sing to me and Dad tell me how much he loves me. He’s even started reading to me in words called Hebrew. It’s not like the words they normally say to me; I like it though. Maybe I’ll read in Hebrew like him someday. Momma hasn’t felt me move yet because I’m not big yet. Don’t worry, Momma, I’ll get big and you’ll feel me soon. I promise.”

Week 25: “I’m big now and Momma feels me move! I think I’m doing a really good job, Dad and Momma told me so. They’re great. Momma has cried a lot again but I can hear how much Dad still makes her laugh. I’m really glad he’s here with us. I love hearing Momma laugh and she does that most when he’s with us. He’s funny. I hear these silly voices and they all come from Dad! He’s funny, I love him. He put his hand on me this week and I kicked him and he felt it! We were all excited, our whole little family.”

Week 30: “The more scary news Dad and Momma get the more they talk to God about me. I like it when they put their hands on me and pray. I think it’s really important that they talk to Him about me. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I’m not in here anymore but I wish I could tell Momma that it’s going to be ok because if I’m not with her on earth I’ll be with God and that makes me happy.”

Week 35: “We got our first Christmas tree as a family today! It was so much fun. We picked out the most perfect Christmas tree together then we went to eat pizza. I LOVE pizza. It was the yummiest pizza. Then we drove home to set up the tree– together! Momma and Dad laughed a lot while bringing it up the stairs, setting it up and decorating it. I love to hear them laugh. We also listened to Christmas music. I love Christmas music! It was a really fun night for all of us. By the end of the night, Momma told me that it was the prettiest Christmas tree. I’m so glad they are my Dad and Momma. I wouldn’t want anyone else.”

Week 36: “Momma did my first load of laundry tonight. She told me I will look so pretty in my new clothes and she couldn’t wait to put them on me. She feels sad and afraid because she doesn’t know if I will be able to wear them, but she really hopes I will.”

Week 37: “Christmas happened this week with everyone. I got to spend time with Grandma Barney, Aunt Emily, Uncle Adam and Aunt Chrissy. It’s always very loud and fun when we go see them. Everyone laughs a lot and the food is always so good. Then the three of us drove for awhile and we were with Grandpa and Grandma Slagle, Uncle Tony, my cousin Tony and his Momma. I love Christmas because Momma eats yummy food for us like summer sausage, cheese, crackers and dill pickles. Momma and me love dill pickles. Before we did Christmas things, Grandpa Slagle read us a story about another baby named Jesus. I learned that He’s God’s son! It’s all a little confusing now but I know one day I’ll really understand it. Dad and Momma are so glad I got to be with them this Christmas. I guess we don’t know if I’ll be with them or God next Christmas, but this Christmas was our first Christmas together as a family and we all loved it so much.”

Week 37 Day 5: “Momma told me we’re all going to the hospital tomorrow and they hope they get to meet me then. She hasn’t cried today but I can tell she is scared. Tonight Momma read me a bedtime story about Winnie the Pooh. She’s read it to me before, I love the stories of that silly ol’ bear. She’s having these things called ‘contractions.’ I think these are the things that push in on me when I’m kicking or listening to Dad talk. I get tired when she has them but otherwise I don’t mind them. I hope I get to see Momma and Dad tomorrow. If I don’t get to see them I know I’ll go see God and I know, even though I love them so much, that will be even better.”

Week 37 Day 6: “Momma and Dad woke up really early today and went to this place called ‘Starbucks’ on the way to the hospital place. Grandpa and Grandma Slagle were there with us along with Grandma Barney and Aunt Emily. They all love me very much, I can tell. While we were at Starbucks they talked to God about me, all together. They asked that I would be healthy and safe but that God’s will be done with my life. I can tell Momma is still scared but I’m not. I trust and love God very much. I wish I could tell her that she and Dad have been the best Momma and Dad I could ever ask for. I wish I could tell her that if I’m not with her anymore it’s because I’m with God in heaven and He’ll take the best care of me and I won’t be in pain there ever. I wish I could tell her that if I go to be with God she and Dad will see me again and maybe then she can play with my brown curly hair and Dad can read Hebrew with me. I wish I could tell her that I love her and Dad so much, just so very much. I wish I could tell her that, but I think she knows already.

Week 38: “Today was the most incredible day I’ve ever had.

I met Jesus today.

The baby who Grandpa Slagle read about on Christmas, I met Him. I learned that He sacrificed Himself a long time ago and He is the reason I am in heaven now and for all eternity. I don’t know how to say it like the angels do, but He is so bright, and perfect, and loving.

He is also God and He is a good, good Father.

Today I saw my big sibling. Momma told me about this baby who they had before me and was named Oleander. Me and Oleander love being up here together. We run and play together and are the best of friends. It’s better than I ever could have imagined.

I met my Grandpa Barney too. He is so glad to meet me and he loves that I have hair just like his son.

I know Momma and Dad feel sad, but I know they also feel joy and hope because they know where I am. They know I am where ‘He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’ They know where I am and they know they will hold me again someday; But when they hold me again they know it will be in perfection, not the broken world where they held me first.

Momma, I love it up here. Thank you for being the best Momma and Dad I could ask for while I was down there. My heavenly Dad has me now and I can’t wait until He says you can join us.

I love you, Momma and Dad. When He brings you home, I’ll be here.”